On Tuesday as I was laying on a hard gurney with my feet up in the stirrups I was finding it really super hard to stay positive. Since my appointment on the previous Thursday at Mass General (part of the egg donation process) I had been a bit nervous since the doctor thought he had seen a hydrosalpinx. So, my fertility doctor booked me an appointment in NYC on Tuesday so she could see what was really going on with my body.
Needless to say I tried not to think about it BUT it was hard to not worry. For the long 5 days in between appointments every time I thought about the hundred “what ifs” that could go wrong, I simply acknowledged my fear and then let it go. There was no benefit from worrying and if anything it would just make my anxiety and stress level go up and then make the whole situation worse.
Back to Tuesday… there I was, battling the “what ifs” and the negative Nancy’s while I laid on the table and was poked and prodded. Every second that went by seemed like an eternity. I just wanted to know if I was okay!
The sonogram took at least 10 minuets and throughout the procedure the doctor wouldn’t give me any indication of my fate. Was I okay or not? Would I be able to do the donation? Would I be able to have my own children? What was going on?? These were thoughts spinning through my head like a category 5 hurricane. But I had to keep breathing and keep focusing on everything turning out alright even though it was hard.
So you know what I did? I literally kept repeating “think positive” over and over and over in my head.
Yea it’s not the best breathing technique or the most savvy way to be optimistic BUT it really helped me stay positive and not focus on the many bad possibilities. Because once you open yourself up to the negativity it can suck out all your good energy and replace it with a soul-deep darkness that makes every day, every minute seem harder.
Luckily I’m okay and the egg donation is still on, which I’m even more committed to after going through this small ordeal.
So next time you’re feeling hopeless and it’s absolutely impossible to stay focused on being positive just tell yourself: “think positive”. And keep thinking that until you do think positive.