Wading in the ocean, feeling the tide come in and out under my toes and the waves tickling my fingers yesterday I was filled with a sense of completeness… a feeling that everything was not only going to be alright, but everything was as it should be. Words came to me…
This is all part of the journey.
This is the journey.
Hearing these words I raised my face up to the sun and smiled. It suddenly seemed so clear ::
I don’t need to feel regret – everything in my past has happened for a reason and has helped me become the person I am today.
I don’t need to feel fear – I can put trust in the harmony of the universe and live with hope. Everything happens for a reason.
Wondering where all of this reflection and search for answers has come from?
Well I’ve been at a loss the last few days… the egg donation cycle I was going through had to be cancelled unexpectedly as my body wasn’t reacting to the hormone treatment as well as we expected. It doesn’t mean I’m not a good donor, I just needed a higher dose of the hormones, but it wasn’t something we could fix and therefore it had to be cancelled. Nevertheless, I was heart broken. This donation means so much to me and I felt disappointed and frustrated.
Crying in front of a breakfast diner in Manhattan I felt at a loss for words, for emotions, for hope. I felt raw and angry. Why wasn’t the donation a success, why didn’t it go right, what happened? As I sobbed on Josh’s shirt he said to me, “Everything happens for a reason.” And as I wiped my tears, I knew he was right, so I nodded my head and quietly said, “Yea, that’s true, but today, today I can be sad.” So I was. I let myself feel my heartache and let the tears flow.
After awhile it dawned on me though :: I had prepared for this. I was aware that there was no certainty that it would work or that my recipient would get pregnant (in fact, she only had a 45% chance). I had been mindful throughout the entire process – hopeful for the best but not blind to the possibility that it may not work.
So after crying for awhile I stood up, dried my tears, shook out my shoulders and told Josh I was ready to go home.
It’s not that I’m “over it”, but I realized that crying on the side of the road wasn’t going to change the outcome. And letting myself cry, really let it all out, made picking up the pieces that much easier.
I’m not sure if we’ll try to go through the donation again but I truly believe, deep in my heart, that everything happens for a reason and it’s our job to choose hope and acceptance over fear and regret.
I will always choose hope.