Yesterday I had my mid-year review with my manager and let’s just say, it didn’t go well. Now, I wasn’t surprised – I know that this position is not a good fit for my skills or interests but it still hurt… It was still hard to listen to feedback that wasn’t good. See, I’ve been struggling in this role because of the fact that I’m not well suited for it – but I didn’t want to admit it. I was trying to push through with blinders on and happy just getting by.
Mostly because I have a plan. Or a basis for a plan for a life that doesn’t include corporate America. And my plan included staying in my current position for at least a year.
However, as of yesterday, I’ve come to realize this probably won’t happen which has completely shaken up my plan. It’s not fair though to stay on in a position where I’m not the right fit for the group, the company OR most importantly – myself. When you’re not engaged and not well equipped for a job you’re essentially cheating yourself and those that rely on you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bad employee, in fact my manager likes me quite a lot and wants me to stay. It’s just that it’s not working. No way around it. I just keep reminding myself that this is all part of the journey but that doesn’t mean I have to stay stuck. It doesn’t mean I can’t change where I am and what I’m doing.
Saying this out-loud is scary. I mean, I’m admitting to the world that I’m not good at something – woah! The people-pleaser-I-want-everyone-to-think-I’m-perfect voice in my head is telling me to stop writing, to cover this realization up with a fake smile. But that’s not me anymore. By digging deep with Tara, learning to let go with Courtney, embracing my true self and realizing my true strengths and potential I’m not embarrassed or scared of saying ::
I’m not good at everything.
I’m not good at Excel (at least at this point lol)
I’m not fitted for my current position
And that’s a-okay
While I’m still here though I will continue to try my hardest. Every single day. To learn and develop those areas that are hard on me and contribute to the team. I’m not giving up BUT I’m not lying to myself any more. I’m not going to pretend that everything is fine when it’s definitely not.
It’s not fine to feel overwhelmed, stressed out, frustrated, confused and stupid all the time. Especially when every single one of us is valuable. Some of us just have to figure out where we can make an impact and where our skills will be put to use and where we will be challenged in fruitful ways.
I’m taking off the blinders and realizing that it’s okay not to be good at everything. It doesn’t make me a bad person, in fact, I think it makes me courageous.
I’m not letting fear or contentment hold me back because change is scary – I’m forging a new path, a sparkly-shiny-bright path just for me.