Looking at my site I see bright colors, hope, joy, awareness, connection… I see positive radiance.
But I’m not always bright and joyful. Sometimes my heart hurts. Sometimes I don’t realize how much because I’m so used to feeling happy, excited, hopeful and I’m so used to holding onto possibility, love, happiness. Sometimes it’s not until I take a moment to close my eyes and really connect with my heart that I see the engravings, the markings, the imprints there.
I encourage everyone to embrace their true feelings – it’s only when you give them space and time that you can learn, grow and heal
But it’s not always easy to when you don’t know what you feel, or when you don’t want to even acknowledge those feelings, it’s like they don’t exist
Moments ago I finally let myself feel and cry and accept and it hurt but it also felt relieving. They’ve been here this whole time, lurking beneath the layers where I wouldn’t give them light. Losing my cousin’s daughter. Struggling in a position that doesn’t always feel right. Having the egg donation cancelled because my body didn’t do what we expected. Hurts. Stings. Is painful.
I believe in karma, in the law of attraction, in the journey but that sometimes makes it even harder. Acknowledging and owning your challenges, feelings and struggles is hard, it’s not easy to feel heartache. I get it. I understand how easy it is to ignore it to say it’s “okay”. To say “what is meant to be will be”, “it’s all part of the journey“, “like attracts like”. Because it’s easier.
And sometimes you think it’s true. I thought I was a-okay. I thought my heart and spirit and soul could handle it and move past it easily.
But it’s not that easy. Dealing with disappointment that BIG is hard.
This month I signed up for Breathe Peace with Jenn from Roots of She, Spirits of Joy with Hannah and last week signed up for a Strategy Session with Kate, Ms. Mind Body. Clearly I knew deep down that I needed help, support. I just wasn’t ready or willing to feel.
Today I let myself feel. I let myself cry.
Today I saw the pain that I didn’t want to admit.
Today I saw the hurt.
Today I realized the impact.